SPIRITUAL AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Phyllis McColister lives in Port St. Lucie, Florida. She has been called to write through a deep longing to share Christ with unbelievers as well share faith and spiritual encouragement with other believers. She is the Editor of A.N. Ministries which includes a website with downloadable, "free of charge" Christian and devotional literature. Personal Response to Prayer Requests and One-on-One Spiritual Support are some of the other many blessings you will find at anministries.org. Phyllis welcomes comments and questions, therefore, feel free to email her at phyl4jesus@netzero.com.

First Milestone:

PS 71:5 For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth.

I was about 9 years old, sitting on the front seat after my baptism. The choir stand was to my right, the pulpit stood high above me as if it reached up to the Heavens. I can recall being enveloped in what I can only describe as a "Presence" which I later learned was the actual Presence of the Lord. His Spirit was all over me. I remember feeling so different, so clean as if the baptism waters had washed my skin off. I was completely overcome with a sense of peace that I had never known before. This peace has always been sought of a barometer for me throughout my life. Since that time I have lived through some difficult and challenging experiences. But the peace of God, would always summon me back. I am convinced it was this peace that has kept me and continues to keep me. Because of this, I have a living testimony of Jesus' promise to give His peace that the world could not take away. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) To this very day, I contribute my calm nature to receiving Christ's peace that day.

However, this was only the beginning of what I call my spiritual journey. Shortly after this, my life took a turn that led me through many, many valleys of the shadow of death, but Christ was with me and it was His rod and staff that comforted me. My childhood was short circuited by the added family responsibilities given to me early in life due to the abandonment of my father. My mother relied heavily upon me with the rearing of my younger siblings and maintaining the household. Therefore, I never knew the traditional nurture of parents like so many other children. I believe this is where God made Psalm 27:10[i] a reality for me.

Another trip through that valley of the shadow of death was the devastating experience of childhood sexual abuse. I completely shut the experience out of my heart and buried it deep within the recesses of my soul along with the pain and rejection of being abandoned by my father. It was actually the only way I knew to deal with it at the time. However, I found that both issues needed to be re-visited.

Second Milestone:

My next earliest experience was about 12 years old. I lived in a 2 story duplex with extended family occupying 3 of the 4 apartment units. The Lord had it where I was the only one in the entire duplex to go to church every Sunday morning and Wednesday evenings. I joined the youth choir and was very active in the youth ministry that was led by a godly couple who believed in teaching the word of God to the children. I learned to quote all the books of the Bible in sequential order and engaged in a systematic study of the Word of God. To this day, I have Scripture in my spirit that was internalized during this period of my life. This is also when the Holy Spirit began building a foundation of truth in my life. I remained a member of this church throughout adulthood and it is also where I raised my daughter in the faith. Out of my childhood faith and commitment, the Lord brought many other family members to Himself and they began attending the same church.

Looking back, I can see how the Lord built the foundation of my faith. First, by His grace and mercy He received me into His Kingdom the day I repented and was baptized. This was confirmed by the indwelling Spirit of His peace that was so real. He then led me to a Bible-teaching church where He built a firm foundation of the Word in order to facilitate the future work of the Holy Spirit.

Third Milestone:

The world began presenting many other opportunities which unfortunately I accepted, only to find that they led to endless trap doors of pain and suffering. This is when the enemy began taking advantage of the hidden pain from my childhood and exploited my deep-seated need to be loved and nurtured. Throughout young adulthood, I encountered many hurtful relationships and endured many painful consequences to the sinful choices I made.

One day I came into a lot of money. I paid off some debts, shopped to I dropped, purchased everything I needed and wanted. Like Solomon, "I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun." (Ecc. 2:10,11)

This is where the Holy Spirit convicted me and opened my eyes to the way I was living. I was about 33 - 34 years old and I remember sitting in my living room on my brand new couch which sat on newly laid carpet, custom-made drapes to the windows, watching my brand new big screen TV when I began to feel so empty and sad inside. I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and said to myself, "there has to be more to life than this" and it was.

It was at this point of emptiness that the enemy of my soul shifted into high gear. He knew he had little time left, as I was finally beginning to look to the purpose and meaning of my life and refused to continue, "chasing after the wind". I developed such a hunger and thirst for righteousness that I had yet to understand. Unfortunately, all that I was able to discover was certainly life consisted of more than worldly and material accomplishments.

Fourth Milestone:

The enemy offered another substitute, the pursuit of love. I thought, surely this would satisfy the emptiness in my soul. Ironically, I did not look inward to the Lord where all the love I would ever need resided. Instead, I chose to look outward to relationships and subsequently to unequally yoked marriages. My first marriage was brief and ended amicably. However, the second marriage laid the groundwork for the real lessons I needed to learn. Let me say right here that I entered that marriage blind and out of fellowship with the Lord. I was looking for love and made a bad choice. A decision made in desperation will always led to desperation. But, praise the Lord, although I left Jesus, He had never left me. By His grace, about 1 year 1/2 into the marriage, He removed the scales from my eyes and I returned to Him, my "First Love." However, this immediately wreaked havoc in my household at that time.

This was the most difficult of milestones in my walk with the Lord. My marriage was already emotionally and verbally abusive, my renewed love for the Lord only made matters worst. I was beaten down emotionally and torn apart spiritually. But, the Lord was after the many strongholds that had developed over the years of which I had never dealt with. I had only surface knowledge of the Holy Spirit and I thought angels alone fought spiritual warfare. I had a lot to learn and an extremely hostile environment to learn it all.

I was beginning to understand why I was filled with the peace of God and the Word of God at an early age. Otherwise, I would have been dead in the water. God is so good; He knows what we need before we even ask (Matthew 6:8). Better yet, He knows what we need even when we do not know what to speak or ask for (Romans 8:26[ii]). Here is where my spiritual training went into full-blast. I was faced with the most unloving spirit. This is where I learned to love without being loved in return. I learned quickly to be as shrewd as a serpent, but it took constant communion with the Holy Spirit to be as harmless as a dove (Matthew 10:16b[iii]). Many days I wanted to act like a serpent but not in a harmless way. Admittedly, I failed miserably until I was led to a Bible study on the Holy Spirit and began to understand His ministry in my life. Finally, victory began to surface. I understood the power of loving your enemy and the freedom that came with it. This is also where I took Psalm 91:1[iv] to heart and found that Secret Place where the enemy could not touch me.

I saw my role in spiritual warfare and prayed the Word of God more specifically, until I saw changes, not in that marriage or the situation, but in myself. Praise the Lord!!

Fifth Milestone:

I do not have the pleasure of reporting the successful conversion of my husband nor the survival of my marriage which ended in divorce. I make no excuses or justifications for anything. All I know is that I struggled to trust in the sovereignty of the Lord even in the hurt, confusion and disappointment of what I called my life. But, this is where the Holy Spirit took another opportunity to build upon the foundation He had laid many, many years before. He taught me how the love of God works with the grace of God to bring restoration and hope. Thankfully, restoration begins after destruction and decay have had their way. I falsely believed myself to be a personal and spiritual failure. The broken marriage was only the beginning of all that I lost. First of all, I lost the opportunity to see the salvation of my husband; I lost my marriage and my home. The inevitable separation extended to my church home and church family along with the ministry work I had grown to love and enjoy. The loss was overwhelming and I thought I would just drown in despair. But, this was not the case. I learned that the only response to loss is to let go and allow God to turn the losses into lessons. And this is exactly what happened.

Sixth Milestone:

The single most devastating aspect of my struggle to regain personal and spiritual equilibrium was the feeling that no one understood my pain and therefore could never really know what I was feeling. Until the morning during one of my Quiet Times with the Lord, I read Isaiah 53 with a new set of eyes. Reading Isaiah 53 that morning was as if Jesus Himself put His arms around my shoulders. He explained how He was touched with my infirmities and could sympathize with my feelings of rejection and betrayal from close, intimate companions. Afterall, He knew the cold and bitter kiss of an intimate enemy (Judas) (Matthew 26:48,49). He also could understand my wrestle with hostility toward God from those whom you love. Better yet, He let me know that my healing was in the stripes of rejection and betrayal that He Himself bore for me on the cross. I slowly began to see Jesus bearing my pain so that I did not have to. I saw Him bearing all of the past and present rejection and betrayal in my life, which set me free to love and serve Him without the guilt and shame. This was not an overnight process, it required trust and patience both of which I desperately needed to cultivate.

While I bore the rejection and hostility of a few people, Jesus bore the rejection and hostility of the world, including my own (Hebrews 12:3[v]). I saw how my sin and rejection of Him led me in search of earthly love in unhealthy relationships. I felt even more repentant when I realized, once again, that it was my sin that nailed Him to the cross and He died for me because He loved me. He not only understood how I felt, He had been there Himself and offered healing and restoration to me.

The healing began when I surrendered to all the losses in my life, beginning with the loss of my father, my innocence and my marriage. I accepted the fact that sometimes life can be difficult and unfair. We will experience all sorts of hurts and pain passing through this side of eternity. Please understand that I am not being flippant about any of it. It was real pain. But, we are not left alone to deal with it. Not only is there Someone who understands, but Someone who can do something about it. I spent deliberate time in prayer, the Word and Biblical counseling seeking answers and direction. Jesus does promise if we would diligently seek Him, we would find Him. We can be like Peter and take our eyes off Jesus (which we do sometimes) and drown in our circumstances or we can be like Jesus who walked so close to His father that He could declare without reservation, "the Father and I are One."

Seventh Milestone:

To my surprise, I found that restoration and renewal are ongoing processes that will not be complete until we see Jesus face-to-face. But, I praise the Lord for every step of my journey. I thank Him for all the strength, mercy and grace He has abounded toward me, unconditionally and without merit. As I continue on this journey, at least now prepared with truth coupled with grace and hope, I have found the spiritual equilibrium I was seeking. I have to remind myself often to depend solely upon Jesus and His love for me. It is in Christ that I live, move and have my being, without Him I can do nothing. It has become vital to my very existence to spend daily Quiet Time with the Lord, constantly renewing my mind and spirit. My life has taught me that the enemy will always lurk around, looking for a foot hole within which to operate. His most effective work is done in the mind. Therefore, we are instructed by Scripture to renew our minds in the Word of God. (Romans 12:2).

This last milestone has been the cornerstone of my life. It brings together all that God has done, doing and will do in my life. I have learned to daily saturate my mind in the Word of God, keep constant watch over my thoughts, cast down the lies of the enemy and continue to erect the truth of God's word in its place. For me this is a full-time job. I monitor what I allow into my life through my eyes, ears and associations of every kind. I have found that I must live life soberly and vigilantly pursuing Christ and Christ alone. In doing so, He adds everything else I need. (Matthew 6:33). My life has been tremendously simplified because this is the one thing I pursue and everything else is peripheral.

I do not ever want to find myself solely looking to anything or anyone again. I believe God shall supply all my needs in accordance with His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. And this is exactly what the Lord did when He united me in marriage to my present husband who is first a man of God, totally in love with Christ first, then myself. We are happy in Jesus and our story will be told from now until Christ return. God is good and His mercy endures forever. See photographs of our wedding by clicking here.

The blessings of the Lord maketh rich, and he adds no sorrow to it (Proverbs 10:22).

[i][i] Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.

[ii] In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

[iii] Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.

[iv] He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.(KJV)

[v] Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.